Those kind of days

There are days when everything feels right. And then, there those kind of days. You know the ones I mean: The days that you find yourself questioning every decision you’ve made in the past week, or even year; the days where you feel tired, the kind of tired that makes you want to hibernate in your bed; the days where your current situation feels both overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. You’re not sure how that is even possible, but you feel it just the same.

You try to put your finger on the reason why you are having such an off day or string of days. Maybe you’ve been a bit under the weather, from all of the cold and flu stuff going around this time of year. Perhaps you and your spouse aren’t really connecting on any level that feels meaningful. If you’re a woman, it could just be that time of the month (in the words of Jori “that’s an absolute fact”). Maybe your kids are misbehaving, your coworkers have been extra irritating, or your friends haven’t seemed very friendly. Perhaps your prescription for “happy pills” has run out and you’re just trying to cope until you can get a refill.

It can be hard to figure out what the problem is because there are times where you could be dealing with all of the above and feel just fine. However, when you are having one of those days, it doesn’t take more than realizing there isn’t any more chocolate in the fridge to put you over the edge.

Lately, I’ve been having more of those days than I’d like. Once I find myself on the edge, it is so easy to just slide right into the pit and it gets harder and harder to get out. Being in the pit really stinks. When I’m down, I feel like I am ruining the lives of my children by having them in our current situation. I feel like I am totally incapable of being a houseparent and I wonder if I even want to be a houseparent. I start thinking that everything would be better if I could pack up and move to a small town, get my kids in a “normal” school, and drive a minivan again. On the flip side, I find myself thinking about returning to my old life and I worry about feeling lost, useless and that my family is going to be sucked into a life devoid of true meaning as we strive for the “American Dream”.

I know that turning to God when I’m having one of those days is the solution, but lately this has been easier said than done. I mean, we all know that “Jesus” is the answer to every question you are asked in church, Sunday School, Bible study or any other Christian circle you run in. Right? I know this, but for quite some time it’s been more of a head knowledge kind of knowing and not a deep in my heart knowing. I can still talk all the talk, but these past several months have been a season of doubt and struggle for me. Since moving into the chaos that is our new life, I’ve been too busy to deal with my issues, but recently I find that I have a bit of time to actually sit and think. While this is a really good and healthy thing, I wasn’t prepared for the stuff I was struggling with before we moved here to creep back into my life so suddenly.  I want to comfort myself by acknowledging that "this too shall pass", but I know that isn't necessarily true.