Thursday, April 30, 2015

God Doesn't Need Me

This morning, I woke up early, got myself all ready and headed off to a meeting at the Department of Social Development. I was WAY excited about this meeting as it was going to be with potential foster parents for one of the children that we love and care for at Tshepo ya Bana. I was thinking of all the things that I would tell this couple, about the child’s temperament, his likes and dislikes, his love of life and some potential pitfalls. I was thinking about seeing his social worker, someone who I have had a great difficulty working with and trying to decide what I would say to her and how I would say it. I was thinking of my role and what I needed and wanted to convey to get things moving quickly so that we could get this child into a family ASAP, assuming they were suitable and appropriate parents that is.

My mind was spinning for the whole 30 minute drive to the office. I parked the car, signed in with security and went inside to the registration desk to let them know I was here for a meeting with Social Worker So and So and prospective foster parents, and then I was kindly informed that social worker So and So was no longer at this particular office and I realized I would not be sharing any of my thoughts from the 30 minute car drive with anyone on this particular morning!

I went back through security, got in the car and sent Darin a message that I was on my way home. I started driving; feeling frustrated and a bit irritated that no one thought to tell me of this change in venue. How would these people possibly be able to make any decisions without my input and insight? Then, I was just struck by the following thought: God doesn’t need me. Say what?!  Nope, He doesn’t need me.

Who am I to think that because I wasn’t a part of this meeting nothing would happen? Who am I to think that my input and insight is greater than the wisdom of God, that my love for this child is greater than the love that his Abba Father has for him?

So, if God doesn’t need me, what is the point in being involved in any of this? Why should I or any of us step out of our normal day to day life and get involved in the lives of others? Although God doesn’t need me, the beautiful and amazing thing is that He can use me! What a privilege this is and somehow I’ve overlooked it. In my often puffed up and prideful moments I sit back and think, look at what I did today! I think about emails I’ve sent, which will surely get the attention of someone who is supposed to finally do something for someone. I think about meetings I’ve been to and tasks I’ve been assigned and sometimes, oh yes, sometimes there is this part of me that thinks, without me nothing would get done! I go out and meet people, beautiful, wonderful, hardworking people and hear this voice in my head saying, Thank God they have you, Jonna! Yet God didn’t need me for any of these things. Even without my email writing, meeting attending, people visiting ways, His will IS going to be done, but what an awesome responsibility that He chooses to use me, broken, puffed up, foolish, slow to learn me, to help usher in His Kingdom.

Father God, may I allow myself to be used by You today and every day and may I never forget that while being chosen to be a part of carrying out your will is a privilege You have graciously given, You have totally got this, all of this under control and you don’t need me to be anything but faithful to Your calling.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


It is Wednesday night. I am sitting at the computer with a fan blowing at my fingers as the internal fan in our computer stopped working and blowing a fan at the computer is now the only way to keep it from frying up inside. It’s all good for now, but I think I’ll need to find some fingerless gloves before winter as even without a fan blowing on my fingers in winters past, typing with frozen fingers has been a challenge.

My parents left on Sunday. We had a great time together. We spent almost a week in St. Lucia (South Africa, not the island) and it was fab. Really, one of the best holidays we’ve had; a great location, lots to see and do and a perfect fit for all ages, including the old folks. Just kidding mom and dad!! We also had fun just hanging out, playing cards, eating dessert, and talking, like really talking and being able to share some things that we’ve been working through and being able to bounce ideas off of two people much wiser than us.

Darin also left on Sunday for Malawi. He went to deliver Sawyer water filters and meet with some NGOs who might be interested in placing orders in the future. WHEN that happens, I am going back with him. Who wants to come watch our kids?? He is having a great time, says the country is beautiful, was able to hang out with our friends Hans and Gerrie (hello!) in Mzuzu and met up with some Hudsonville peeps in Lilongwe, the Palmbos family, who we didn’t know when we lived in H-ville. Such a small and wonderful world. He is coming back on Saturday and we are all so excited to see him! I will be especially happy to give him back his morning routine of waking up the kids, packing their lunches and seeing them off to school.

While I do miss my parents and my hubby, I will admit to enjoying the space. Lately I have been feeling peopled out, and having extra people in our home was wonderful, but I think my capacity for being kind and embracing and loving has been heading towards the negative for quite some time, so my poor parents did not always see me at my best, which is sad. On the whole introvert/extrovert scale, I would say I am more on the introverted side. Being here at Tshepo ya Bana has been a very stretching and growing experience for me and I am thankful for it. Interacting with social workers, spending time with volunteers, meeting adoptive parents, and having little chats with people I don’t know and may never see again are all things I would not say I have been overly comfortable with, but I have managed and I think have done a pretty good job. It is just hard to always feel like I have to be “on” and sometimes my being kind to people outside of my family has left me less than kind towards the 3 people I share a home with.

So, for this week, I am embracing space. I am filling my time with Amo cuddles, books, sitting in the sun, watching little ones chase and then run away from bugs, and drinking an extra cup of coffee each day. I am trying to herd my two loves home after I get them from school, supervise their homework, help them get a snack and just be more available to them. The somewhat irritating noise of the running fan is helping with this as I am quick to shut down the computer to have a bit of quiet, which means less time spent browsing through facebook and checking to see if anyone has sent an email.
I am also trying to be intentional about seeking God, whether through reading the Bible, through music or just sitting in quiet contemplation thinking on how He has brought us so far and has been so faithful. He is such a good and loving God and so often I forget to take the time to talk with him.

Please pray for Darin as he flies back to us on Saturday for safety and an on time flight. Thank you for so faithfully bringing our family to the Lord!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

New pics!!

Pics are up. See them here. LAURIE MOLAN, CHECK THEM OUT!!! Ha ha. They are for everyone to see, from way back in August. I'm just teasing my sees-ter as she isn't on facebook or what's app and usually misses all the fun.

Having a great time in St. Lucia, South Africa with my parents. Lots of time at the beach, enjoying the sun, fresh fruit, walking to town, hippos and more.

Will try to write a longer post before we go while we still have fast internet!

Build Them a Home Progress Report #3

Wow, wow, wow!!! We are only $50 away from reaching our goal!! Thank you to everyone who gave over the past week. The house is really taki...