Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Those kind of days

There are days when everything feels right. And then, there those kind of days. You know the ones I mean: The days that you find yourself questioning every decision you’ve made in the past week, or even year; the days where you feel tired, the kind of tired that makes you want to hibernate in your bed; the days where your current situation feels both overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. You’re not sure how that is even possible, but you feel it just the same.

You try to put your finger on the reason why you are having such an off day or string of days. Maybe you’ve been a bit under the weather, from all of the cold and flu stuff going around this time of year. Perhaps you and your spouse aren’t really connecting on any level that feels meaningful. If you’re a woman, it could just be that time of the month (in the words of Jori “that’s an absolute fact”). Maybe your kids are misbehaving, your coworkers have been extra irritating, or your friends haven’t seemed very friendly. Perhaps your prescription for “happy pills” has run out and you’re just trying to cope until you can get a refill.
It can be hard to figure out what the problem is because there are times where you could be dealing with all of the above and feel just fine. However, when you are having one of those days, it doesn’t take more than realizing there isn’t any more chocolate in the fridge to put you over the edge.

Lately, I’ve been having more of those days than I’d like. Once I find myself on the edge, it is so easy to just slide right into the pit and it gets harder and harder to get out. Being in the pit really stinks. When I’m down, I feel like I am ruining the lives of my children by having them in our current situation. I feel like I am totally incapable of being a houseparent and I wonder if I even want to be a houseparent. I start thinking that everything would be better if I could pack up and move to a small town, get my kids in a “normal” school, and drive a minivan again. On the flip side, I find myself thinking about returning to my old life and I worry about feeling lost, useless and that my family is going to be sucked into a life devoid of true meaning as we strive for the “American Dream”.

I know that turning to God when I’m having one of those days is the solution, but lately this has been easier said than done. I mean, we all know that “Jesus” is the answer to every question you are asked in church, Sunday School, Bible study or any other Christian circle you run in. Right? I know this, but for quite some time it’s been more of a head knowledge kind of knowing and not a deep in my heart knowing. I can still talk all the talk, but these past several months have been a season of doubt and struggle for me. Since moving into the chaos that is our new life, I’ve been too busy to deal with my issues, but recently I find that I have a bit of time to actually sit and think. While this is a really good and healthy thing, I wasn’t prepared for the stuff I was struggling with before we moved here to creep back into my life so suddenly.  I want to comfort myself by acknowledging that "this too shall pass", but I know that isn't necessarily true. 


Sheri said...

I so appreciate your honesty, I really do.

Anonymous said...

I so agree with Sherri - I appreciate your honesty more than you will know, dear daughter! I could say all the good things like "God has made you special for who you are"; leave everything at the feet of the Lord; think happy thoughts"; and on and on. Thank you, Jonna that we can pray specifically for you - because YOU are so important in the lives of your own children and the children at TYB and a helpmate for your husband. Love you so much! Mom Fey

Anonymous said...

hold on... help is on the way... being present in whatever life you are in whatever spot you are in was the theme at womens retreat.. why would we have to lean in and rely on God if life were simple.. He wants you .. just you.. know it is hard.. and we just keep walking.. loving you

Jo Rome said...

Hi Jona,

I love reading your blog, its helps my prayer life! This one made me pray like a beast for you.
I'm having many of 'those days' at the moment too with all the changes going on in my life, so I'll share what I find helpful if thats ok?
I try to imagine how Jesus felt when he was on earth. I feel like there are too many changes in my life, how am I supposed to cope leaving my family, friends, job, home, and hardest, church?! Well then I have to think, Jesus left his home, he left his father, he left the constant close fellowship of the trinity (not sure if this is theologically accurate, but it must have changed dynamics right!?) and he came HERE. to a crappy ugly earth. He was used to all that, and he survived living here.
I find it comforting looking at Jesus and seeing that actually, he didnt find it easy either, he spent SO much time going off and praying, having that contact with the Father he was missing so much, he made new friends, ones with way more issues than he was used to, but chums all the same, and best of all (i find) he got on with the mission he knew he was there for.
He slogged himself out day and night, I like to think that in doing this he didnt give himself time to think too much, to dwell on the sucky parts of his change, and to just get on with it.
I am trying SO hard to be like that on 'those' days....just to chat with my mum, (and also my heavenly father), then just getting on with it, knowing it will all work to God's glory!
I also find it helpful to remember that Jesus didnt have alot of the blessings we DO have, he knew that at the end of all his changes he had total seperation, pain, agony and the wrath of God, wheras in reality I have alot of blessings coming along with my changes, and it helps me to count these.

I hope that helps you too. You are very much in my prayers and thoughts. Sending you a virtual hug, and hoping you have less of 'those' days as time goes on.

Much love!

Jo Rome
x said...

Dear Friend - I love you and am praying for you! Don't let that little voice of Satan in your ear drown out all the good and cast doubt in your life. God will prevail and He is using this journey to glorify his kingdom. Sometimes, being honest is the best thing you can do, letting others know when you are struggling, so we can pray and lift you up. Because when you can't do it, others can. Love you and wish I could give you real hugs!

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