Friday, October 20, 2017

New Day, New Mercies

It is Friday afternoon, a very hot Friday afternoon. I am sitting in the living room with a fan pointed at me. That helps take the edge off the heat, but not by much. The sky looks heavy with rain, but looks can be deceiving.

It has been just over two weeks since I last wrote. There have been good days and bad days during that time, but I have gotten through each one, so hooray!

We registered Tyson for school next year, back into Grade 8 he will go, which is fine as it will set him just half a year behind his peers in the states rather than being half a year ahead of them. He is a bit nervous, but also excited to try something new. He had to take placement test last week and he came home so tired. Sitting at a desk will be a big adjustment for our boy, but we believe it is the right choice for us all.

While something can be the right choice, it can also be a difficult choice to make. Other than missing some time alone, I really like having Tyson around. He is funny and gentle and kind and smart. He creates new things almost every day. Right now he is busy making Christmas presents for people out of things he finds in his room and in the garage. I think it will be easier for Jori to have her brother back in school as there has been quite a bit of jealousy from her towards him being home. He gets extra treats, sometimes watches movies during the day (but not often!), goes out with us to see and do things, and of course it seems more fun than sitting in a class all day.

I started Zoloft this week- the little blue pill. I can't tell you if it is working or not as it needs some time to get all in my system. I am glad I went and saw the doctor though and even more glad they had a generic option available at the pharmacy. Yay. I have been on Celexa for anxiety for a while, which I can no longer take as it counteracts with the Zoloft. So hopefully the blue pill is the right one for me.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking, and writing, and reading. There are still some things I am angry about. I've discovered that there are also things I am sad about and grieving over. There are also things I am worried about and frustrated with and tired of. There is quite a lot of happiness and thankfulness in the mix as well. I am trying to sort through the different things that I am struggling with and letting myself "feel all the feels". Being angry in itself isn't a bad thing, but what am I going to do about it? Grieving is also not a bad thing, but being stuck in grief isn't healthy. Happiness is a good thing, although I often tend to grab on to the happiness ride and not deal with the other stuff, which is called denial. That ends up having negative consequences as I usually end up falling back into anger and sadness and a whole lot of other ick that has just been sitting there waiting for me to deal with it.

So overall I am good, better at least than I was. I am trying to be better to myself. To close the computer before supper time and leave it closed until the next day; to take time to hang out with my friends; to not feel like I always have to be on the go; to give myself permission to say 'no'.

I know I am a beloved child of God, but I am still not feeling it. I am trying to spend more time in His presence though as I know that sometimes feelings can take a bit of practice. Tonight Darin and I are going on a date. A date where we plan to talk and share about ourselves. You'd think after being married for 15 years we'd know it all, but isn't it strange how sometimes, the longer you are with somebody, the less you really know them? So I am looking to reconnecting with my main man tonight and as we go forward together.

Thank you to the many who have been praying for me and for my family as well. Your support means so much to us.

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