Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Good days and bad

Yesterday was a good day. I took the kids to Pretoria for a "fun day". We didn't make any travel plans for this holiday week, so other than a few sleepovers we didn't have a lot going on. The kids and I hit up a couple thrift stores, which they were not impressed with (Jori said they smelled weird, not like the thrift shops in America), and then we went to Menlyn Mall.

First we hit up the toy store. Of course, my big spender, Tyson found multiple things to spend his money on. Jori, my money hoarder (not the same as a saver!) was much more hesitant. We left the toy store with nothing and headed to a few book stores instead. Tyson was close to buying many times, Jori was not. We took a break for lunch- Subway and fountain pop from Burger King (free refills!). Then it was back to the toy store. Tyson headed right to the Lego section, while Jori picked up and set down several items. I strongly encouraged her to buy something, as that was the point of our little outing (each kid had received some spending money that morning), and she finally picked out a little stuffed bird that chirps when squeezed. She loves stuffed animals, much to my chagrin.

We made one more stop for some frozen yogurt. Then after a brief struggle to get out of the mall parking lot, we were on our way home. It was a good day.

Today, however, has not been a good day. It just started out with a heaviness, which was strange since I even had my little Amo-pants in my house to love and squeeze on. I was angry with the kids this morning, which is nothing new, but usually when there are other people in the house, I keep it together. I just wanted to not deal with anything. Darin left and more kids arrived. I mostly tried to just keep myself separate from everyone, other than Amo.

I sent all the big kids to the tuck shop to buy lunch as I didn't want to deal with all that mess. When they finished with that, I hauled Amo to my room and shut the door while the kids watched a movie. That is where I more or less remained until Darin came home. We now have one extra kid, Tyson's friend, and they will have dinner and start a movie soon.

I decided to pick up "The Broken Way" again today. In chapter 4 it talks about how God's heart breaks for us when we are brokenhearted. That wasn't what caught me though, it was the next sentence:

And still- your brokenness can feel like a tomb you can't quite claw yourself out of.

Those words stopped me. They were so spot on to how I was feeling today and how I have been feeling. In a tomb. Dead. 

You can feel the corners and edges of you withering with the weight of the scar tissue on your own soul. 

Scar tissue, from things long buried, hurts I've stuffed down, anger and grief and sadness built up. Walls I've built tall.

A withering soul. A tomb I can't claw my way out of. This is the truth of where I am, and these words just resonated. But, thinking of a tomb, a small, hidden away space also made me think of something I had read earlier this week in Psalms.

He brought me out into a spacious place. He rescued me because He delighted in me.  Psalm 18:19

I am down, but I am not out. I have a rescuer who delights in me, who desires to bring me out of the tomb and into a spacious place of life and abundance. 

I will hold on to this hope and the hope of more good days to come.

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