Tuesday, May 17, 2011

More thoughts on motivation

When I look back at the decision making process that Darin and I went through, the process which has now brought us so close to a departure date, I have little doubt that Darin felt a call and responded to this call. Yet, when I go back over the different thought processes I went through to get us to this point, I realize that it has been all about me, which might explain why I am now suffering from some "buyer's remorse". It's not that my motivations for moving were necessarily wrong in themselves-I hope that Darin and I will be closer as a couple, I hope that our family will be closer and will do more together, I hope that Tyson will thrive in this new environment, I hope that our family will be able to reach out and help those that we come into contact with, I hope that Darin will be home more often and able to be a bigger part of our family life. Yet as we get closer, these hopes seem to be such small reasons to go. It's not like moving to a new country is going to immediately change me into a more attentive wife, or a more patient mother. It's not like Tyson is going to step off the plane and BAM! now he listens to everything we say and doesn't do things that make me want to pull my hair out. Moving to a new country isn't going to stop Jori from whining and provoking her brother. Darin might be around more often, then again, things with the business could be so different from what we are expecting and he might even be gone more often. And it's not like we're going to step into a different country and all of a sudden turn into the Mother Theresa's of Southern Africa. I read this quote in a blog, and it was like a light came on:

A missions professor of mine in college told us that if we weren’t willing to participate in ministry and invest in the spiritual lives of others in our home culture, then we shouldn’t expect anything to be different when we go overseas. 

I'm not sure why it took me until just a few weeks ago to realize that all these reasons, all my motivations for moving to South Africa were so off target. Once I realized that moving wasn't going to be a magic cure all for all that ails this family, I started thinking I'd just as soon stay right where I am and not even go at all. Sadly, it's too late for that. We are going. In less than 4 weeks. And instead of feeling excited, I feel sad. I want to be able to say "I know God has called us and I can't wait to see what He does through us", but the words don't ring true for me because I have been so focused on what God would do FOR me and not what He'd do through me. I've been caught up in thinking "You're right, we are pretty amazing for moving our family to a far off country" instead of thinking "God, this is all for You".

I am thankful, that even with my recent lack of relationship with God, I know that He can redeem this mess I've made. And truly, I feel like I've made a mess. I'm guessing that moving to a different country because God has called you and you desire to obey Him is a scary proposition, but that there is excitement and peace in knowing you are doing His will. Moving to a different country because you thought it would solve all your problems is A: stupid and B: totally scary and chaotic. I'm not feeling a whole lot of peace right now. I'm feeling anxious and nervous about what's to come. I guess it's strange that I can feel confident that God has directed Darin's steps to South Africa, but not mine. Strange, but true. 

So that is where I am. Right now I am just holding on. The necklace I ordered arrived on Friday. The words I chose come from Isaiah 43:1 "I have called you by name. You are mine." I am hanging on to those words. He has called me. I am His. Even when I have let my selfish nature completely turn something so exciting into something so scary, I am still His.

9 comments:

Katie said...

Hey. This seriously made me cry. I am not sure why, but I just want you to know that I really love you and God loves you too. You are an amazing woman, and you have an amazing family. You are right, moving doesn't fix anything, and truthfully it may make some things harder, but you have an awesome family. No, your family will never be 'perfect,' but it is what it is. You are a great mother, and friend and a very wise woman, and you have wonderful kids even though they have their moments. (all kids do) Keep your chin up Jonna, literally, and pray a lot. Please don't hesitate to call if you need to get away for an hour or so or anything else. A break from the kids even. Just call.

Katie

ememby said...

God can do both FOR and THROUGH you... even (and especially) when you are freaked out and scared.
Quote from someone else:
"Humans are like clay pots with cracks; we are broken and imperfect. Yet, just as God seeks us out in all our imperfection, in ancient times, people sought out cracked clay pots because they made the best lanterns – the cracks allowed a candle to shine through and light their way. Let God shine through the cracks in your life and illuminate the way for yourself and others."

andrea helton said...

This too made me cry, just cry with you and for you and because I love you and the person you are; your kind, sensitive heart and your willingness to share and be honest. You are tough Jonna and this whole moving to a different country IS scary, and you know what? I am so confident God will use you as a vessel for Him, now it may not feel like it, but I honestly think the hardest part is the time building up to a tough, emotional situation and I pray when you get there, even get on the plane, you'll be blown away with such peace, comfort and strength, it undeniably will be God in heaven reaching out directly to you and your fam. Keep your head up, and KNOW tons of ladies will be in constant prayer for you! See you tomorrow :)

Anonymous said...

Jonna, I think if you just stay honest with God, just telling him excactly what you are posting here, that will keep your relationship alive. Maybe that is what he is looking for and maybe that will slowly help heal your heart. You can't hide from him anyway, just be real. This may be a time when he is carrying you (footprints poem). Love you, Jonna. Jen

The Feys said...

Thanks ladies. So blessed to have so many wonderful friends in my life.

Lydia said...

Jonna...I wish I could give you a big hug! Thanks for sharing your heart. Just think...how do you feel when your kids or someone you love realize their weakness and "messiness" and you can tell they're struggling with it? Isn't that the time your heart just reaches out to them in a special way and you want to reassure them of your unconditional love? That's how your heavenly Father feels, Jonna, as you acknowledge your weakness and "messiness". I'm sure His fatherly heart is deeply touched and He wants you to know that His strong love for you will never change! It's when you know you're weak that He wraps you the most tightly in His strong arms and He will show HIS strength. I hope you feel His hug today.

retha said...

It is most wonderful to be able to speak to our LORD and GOD and know HE hears us!

my 2 cents: remember when Saul disobeyed GOD, Samuel went to his house and mourned. He allowed himself to get to a place of stagnation.
When GOD spoke a word to him, he could start to move forward again. The association with the anointing oil did bring some restoration in his spirit.
But although he was the mighty man of GOD he feared. GOD helped him through that.
By going and doing, newness came to him.
When he saw Eliab he looked at the outward appearance, because his mindset was still in the place of stagnation. GOD spoke again showing him, he does not know anything. He has to look to GOD, his discernment was restored.

Sarah said...

I wish we could have stayed longer last night to talk. I'm praying for you, Jonna and hoping that we'll be able to come visit you soon.

pjvs said...

Ach Child do you not know? Can you not tell? You have an amazing God on your side. You are HIS-He redeemed you-He called you by name and also had this plan for your life. Do you remember how mama Catherine swung you around and wanted to KEEP YOU there-and now you are going back and she will rise up and call you blessed. So do I. You are a one in a million jewel Go in His peace. Remember God is where you are!!!!!!!!!! On a plane-on the ground-you have two of the most amazing kids in the universe. I raised you and they are chips off the old block-two blocks - so love them and appreciate them for who they are and they will move the world along with the two of you. Rest. Love ya Mom who will pray you in and through. What a mighty God we serve. Serve HIM.