When I look back at the decision making process that Darin and I went through, the process which has now brought us so close to a departure date, I have little doubt that Darin felt a call and responded to this call. Yet, when I go back over the different thought processes I went through to get us to this point, I realize that it has been all about me, which might explain why I am now suffering from some "buyer's remorse". It's not that my motivations for moving were necessarily wrong in themselves-I hope that Darin and I will be closer as a couple, I hope that our family will be closer and will do more together, I hope that Tyson will thrive in this new environment, I hope that our family will be able to reach out and help those that we come into contact with, I hope that Darin will be home more often and able to be a bigger part of our family life. Yet as we get closer, these hopes seem to be such small reasons to go. It's not like moving to a new country is going to immediately change me into a more attentive wife, or a more patient mother. It's not like Tyson is going to step off the plane and BAM! now he listens to everything we say and doesn't do things that make me want to pull my hair out. Moving to a new country isn't going to stop Jori from whining and provoking her brother. Darin might be around more often, then again, things with the business could be so different from what we are expecting and he might even be gone more often. And it's not like we're going to step into a different country and all of a sudden turn into the Mother Theresa's of Southern Africa. I read this quote in a blog, and it was like a light came on:
A missions professor of mine in college told us that if we weren’t willing to participate in ministry and invest in the spiritual lives of others in our home culture, then we shouldn’t expect anything to be different when we go overseas.
I'm not sure why it took me until just a few weeks ago to realize that all these reasons, all my motivations for moving to South Africa were so off target. Once I realized that moving wasn't going to be a magic cure all for all that ails this family, I started thinking I'd just as soon stay right where I am and not even go at all. Sadly, it's too late for that. We are going. In less than 4 weeks. And instead of feeling excited, I feel sad. I want to be able to say "I know God has called us and I can't wait to see what He does through us", but the words don't ring true for me because I have been so focused on what God would do FOR me and not what He'd do through me. I've been caught up in thinking "You're right, we are pretty amazing for moving our family to a far off country" instead of thinking "God, this is all for You".
I am thankful, that even with my recent lack of relationship with God, I know that He can redeem this mess I've made. And truly, I feel like I've made a mess. I'm guessing that moving to a different country because God has called you and you desire to obey Him is a scary proposition, but that there is excitement and peace in knowing you are doing His will. Moving to a different country because you thought it would solve all your problems is A: stupid and B: totally scary and chaotic. I'm not feeling a whole lot of peace right now. I'm feeling anxious and nervous about what's to come. I guess it's strange that I can feel confident that God has directed Darin's steps to South Africa, but not mine. Strange, but true.
So that is where I am. Right now I am just holding on. The necklace I ordered arrived on Friday. The words I chose come from Isaiah 43:1 "I have called you by name. You are mine." I am hanging on to those words. He has called me. I am His. Even when I have let my selfish nature completely turn something so exciting into something so scary, I am still His.