Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Why are we doing this?-written in July 2010

Lately I’ve been asking myself that very same question. In fact, last night I had a very tearful discussion with Darin about WHY are we doing this!!! Let’s see, about 3 1/2 months ago, Darin was presented with an opportunity to buy into a petrol station/convenience store a little ways north of Pretoria (actually it is now called Tshwane) South Africa.  At first this seemed a very unreasonable thing to do, because A: we could never come up with the money and B: we have never had any intention of running a gas station, anywhere, and have no experience with such a business. What changed our minds? A: we could buy in as partners, so we only had to come up with 1/2 the money and B: our partner, who also has no experience running a gas station made it all seem like the perfect opportunity for the Fey’s (that’s us) to get to South Africa.
Now, to back up a bit, since Darin and I first visited this beautiful country over 9 years ago, we have often talked about wanting to go back. In fact, we have gone back several times. Darin has made some business trips over there, I accompanied him once, and then in 2008 we took our kids and lived there for 10 weeks. While we were there, we started making plans to move over long-term. Once we got home, we even made an offer on a lodge, but we were too late. Being in Africa was amazing. We got to know a lot of people and were able to help out in one of the local communities. We spent a lot of time together as a family. As a couple, we actually talked! I know, amazing.
After the first lodge fell through, we looked around for a while longer, but it was just too stressful. I felt like our lives were on hold. We didn’t want to make to many plans for our futures here, because what if we ended up over there? So, we decided to stop looking (for the most part) and kind of settled in to life in Hudsonville. And it has been a wonderful life.
So again, why are we doing this?
Last night, after a lot of round about discussion with Darin, some angry words and lots of tears, I realized why I have been struggling so much with this question. It’s God, or rather the lack of God in my life. He is here, I know that, but I have basically shoved Him aside. Three and a half months ago, when we were first presented with this opportunity, I did turn to Him. We both prayed, we talked to a few close friends and we felt like this was the right thing to do for our family. I felt peace about choosing to go. I really did. Since, then, not so much. I guess that is what happens when you decide to live your own life, make your own plans and not seek God or listen to His call.
Last night was hard, but it was good. It is hard to come face to face with my own lack of passion for God. To realize that instead of feeling joy and excitement for what is to come, I have been dreading all the changes. Instead of thinking “We are going to Africa and will have opportunities to glorify God there” I have been thinking “We are moving our family away from our home and I will be stuck homeschooling my kids and not having good ice cream to eat”.
It does make me sad. I would love to be able to answer the questions “Why are you doing this?” with this great story of how God has called and we have answered. I’d love for it to be unselfish and full of Him, but I know that to answer that way right now would not be genuine or true.
THANK GOD it can become true. I can change my apathetic attitude towards Him and seek Him and desire to lead a radically different life in a new place and I can pray that others will see Him in our family and that God will be glorified. I believe that God would honor these desires if I truly choose to follow this path. I also know that to live such a life means that change needs to happen, now. A change of heart, a change of attitude and a desire to live for Him. To feel passionate about Him and what HE has planned for us.
So, as of right now, I don’t really have a very good answer to the question I asked. Right now I am caught up in the overwhelming work of getting a house ready to sell and thinking about breaking the news of our move to our kids, and worrying about what their reactions will be. I know what I WANT the answer to be, and I know the One who holds all the answer.

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